everythings coming up milhouse

So, here is what is on my mind at this moment, sports-wise. (I have other things on my mind, but you really, really don’t want to go there, my friend.)

The White Sox off-season ’struggles’: So, today on talk radio and in the papers, White Sox GM Kenny Williams is getting killed because the team’s two biggest off-season targets, Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera, were snatched away by American League rivals, including the division rival Tigers grabbing the awesome 24-year old third baseman/outfielder/professional hitter and pitcher Dontrelle Willis yesterday for a boatload of prospects. Critics say that Kenny has failed as a general manager and that he has done a poor job since the 2005 title. People want him out of town. Fans are throwing moltov cocktails through the already broken windows of the neighboring buildings around Comiskey part II.

Folks, lets break this down. The LA Angels spent a shitload of money for Torii Hunter. No one thought they were in the market for the centerfielder, it seemed to be between the Sox and Texas, and suddenly the Angels came out of nowhere and offered an additional year and 15 million more dollars a year. Reportedly, Hunter accepted the deal well before the Sox even had a chance to react. So what, exactly, did Williams do wrong here? He offered the player a more than generous and fair offer. It seemed Hunter was thrilled with the Sox and the city of Chicago, and it was a foregone conclusion that he would be roaming the outfield at the Cell for the next few years. Then, a team comes out of nowhere with a crazy deal which is too long and too expensive and the player accepts it. How exactly is Torii Hunter ending up in Anaheim a result of Kenny failing as a general manager?

So, lets go to the next issue: Miguel Cabrera. It was reported that the Sox were one of the two major teams in pursuit for the guy, along with the Detroit Tigers. The Marlins wanted a bunch of prospects, and if possible, wanted the team they were dealing with to also take Dontrelle Willis and his huge contract off their hands. In the end, the Tigers offered a solid package which included their top pitching and position player prospects and four other players. There was no way the White Sox could match this offer. So, Cabrera goes to Detroit. So, lets get this straight: Its Kenny’s fault that his organization doesn’t have a pitching prospect the caliber of Andrew Miller, a hitting prospect the quality of Cameron Maybin, and four other decent to solid young players. He was somehow supposed to force to make the Marlins take a lesser deal.

Sure, some might argue that its Kenny’s fault that the Sox’ minor league system didn’t have the assets to compete with the Tigers. Well, the two keys to the deal–Miller and Maybin–were drafted in the top 10 in 2005 and 2006. The reason the Tigers had those guys in their system? BECAUSE THEIR TEAM SUCKED DURING THE SAME YEAR(S) THAT THE WHITE SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!! So, would we rather have the high draftees which ultimately bring a great young hitter in 2007, or a World Championship?

People, Kenny Williams was doubted by everyone in this town for the majority of his deals he’s made. Remember in 2004 when everyone hated his moves? How did they look in October of the following year? I’m not saying that this is all part of a master plan which will curry a title next season. What I am saying is that Williams should be granted plenty of leeway since he has built a title winner and plenty of other teams which contended well into September. He’s aggressive and will not allow this team to step onto the field in April without making more moves. Relax.

Fantasy football playoffs: So, the playoffs start this week in my major league. This league is worth a shitload of cash if I win three more games. My team is stacked, but as is the case with all fantasy football teams, that shit doesn’t matter because anyone can blow up like a suicide bomber in a given week.

This week, I have two lineup dilemmas. I know what I am going to do, but I’d like to put em out there to see what others think. First, at running back I am very deep, but the guy I want to start–Marshawn Lynch–may be a game-time decision. So that leaves me Edgerrin James and Ryan Grant. At first glance, to the untrained eye, it would seem James is the obvious choice. But Grant has been absolute beast the last four weeks, including three games of 19 or more points. Also, the Packers are playing the Raiders–the 30th ranked run defense in the league. Finally, Brett Favre is sure to be banged up after his injury Thursday. So perhaps the Pack relies on the run a little more than usual. So that is why I am going with Grant over Edge.

My other problem is at the wide receiver slot. I have to start three of the following four: Braylon Edwards, Chad Johnson, Andre Johnson, and Wes Welker. I am leaning towards the first three, obviously, but part of me really wants to start Welker against the Steelers. I have a sneaking suspicion that he will explode–sexually and fantasy wise–as Pittsburgh focuses on Randy Moss.

What do you mark-ass marks think?

My Rebuttal

In response to Hardaway Hates You’s prediction for the LCS I will offer the readers the accurate prediction.

Let me start in the American League. I believe Cleveland is the better team on the field. I agree with the thought that this is a great matchup. Both teams have some extremely talented pitchers. Game one is absolutely ridiculous!! Sabathia vs. Beckett is great theatre just waiting to happen. Both have a great shot at winning the CY Young.  The Indians already have Francona a little worried about their multi-million dollar rookie. I don’t blame them for moving Daiskue after lasting 4.2 innings and giving up 3 Earned Runs and 7 hits. I know its odd to say this about a guy that once pitched a 17 inning game and more than 250 pitches in high school but I think his shoulder is getting a little tired. He had to be moved around a little at the end of the season to try and prevent this and I just don’t think it worked. I think he will lose in game 3 because of this. Look for Sabathia to pitch a good game but lose tonight. However, the Indians will win the next games with the youth of Carmona beating the age of Schilling. Then a ho-hum game by Daiskue will leave the door open for the Indians to go up 2-1. No one believed Byrd could do it against the Yankees and he could be up to the task of taking Cleveland to a 3-1 lead against Wakefield but even if he doesn’t I think Sabathia or Carmona are up to the task of securing this series for Cleveland. I just don’t think the Indians have been given the respect they deserve. Borowski makes it interesting but its obvious he has gotten the job done at least 45 times this season. As far I can tell he only gave up one homerun to the Yankees but I guess that’s one too many. He will make the series interesting by letting runners on but the Indians will still represent the AL this year. Cleveland wins in 6 games even if it doesn’t follow this map.

How can anyone go against the Rockies? They have won 17 of their last 18 and have been fighting for their season for a while. Pressure hasn’t gotten to them before and it wont start now. Everything has been falling in to place for them since Holliday did or did not touch the plate. Arizona looked good against the Cubs but their bats fell asleep more than their pitching did. Webb is a stud and will continue being that way but Hernandez didn’t look sharp in game 3 – it seemed he had 2 men on base in every inning. The Cubs just couldn’t do anything but hit into double plays. Stats can be found to back up any fact. Did you know that 78% of all facts are made up? Now you do. The Rockies score more runs and have more fun playing and will win the NLCS and make their first trip to the World Series.

So now you have both of our opinions and that means its gotta be a Boston – Colorado series.

I really think that every game will be extremely good to watch because the teams matchup pretty good against each other.

Please wait at least 10 seconds after reading this before  calling me an idiot – but then feel free to let me have it.

as i get fully into baseball mode with the playoffs. i realize how much i love this game. even though my team is not in the postseason this year i still love watching every game. there are so many things about the game that i love but here are some of my favorite plays and the best baseball jargon rarely heard by broadcasters. they are listed here and i am gonna try and do one from A-Z. i have given the definitions not because i think you are as dumb as abc for making a show about some cavemen from an insurance commercial but for reference.

A

asprin: a fastball thats harder to hit than that hot chick wearing that tiny white dress and obviously minuscule piece of dental floss for underwear going up her nice bubble of an ass that the whole bar can see at happy hour. fuckin tease!

B

butcher boy: you wont see this much in the american league. its when the batter fakes the bunt only to pull back and take a quick swing trying to dump the pitch over the infield reacting to the bunt. usually only seen with a pitcher or a shitty hitter like jason kendall.

C

cornucopia: originally this was just texas rangers’ annoucer bill land making an ass of himself when he was calling an easily caught fly ball. what he meant to say was ‘can of corn’ like chicago white sox announcer hawk harrelson commonly says. it has since taken on a life of its own and means the same.

D

duck fart: a soft liner over the infielders head. much like how the feathers on donald duck’s ass would muffle or soften any wind passing by. it was changed by the ACLU to ‘duck snort’ in a class action law suit in the historic case of daisy duck vs. the s.b.d. also called a ‘hump back liner’

E

evil empire: the yankees - i know its not a good one but i need a reason to show this ridiculous picture of roger clemons and his shirt open looking like mr. buzzcut the p.e. teacher from beavis and butthead

F

five and dive: everyone reading this has one of these on their favorite team. its some weak ass pitcher that can only go five innings and that it. see also: kip wells. hell i take that back - that p.o.s. couldnt even make it that long without giving up 8 runs.

G

golden sombrero: 0-4 with four strike outs. kinda like a golden shower without that visit from r. kelly.

H

high cheese: you all know what this is - its just fun to say especially when you say it all nasally like high cheeeeezzzzeeee! think about vince vaughn in old school.

I

infield fly rule: yeah we have all heard of it but does it really exist? its kinda like a hot chick that cooks, cleans and swallows.

J

judy: a hitter that doesnt get much behind their hits. sally works fine or saying either ‘hit it with your purse’ or ‘his skirt got in the way’

K

keystone sack: its second base. like the keystone in the arch which is the piece that fits right in the middle or craig ‘keystone’ monroe.

L

LOOGY: Lefty One Out Guy - a left handed specialist usually used to get one or two batters out.

M

match sticks: successive innings where a 1 is put up on the board.

N

no room at the inn: bases are loaded and no where to put the player. kinda like the feeling joseph had when trying to get a place to stay in bethleham. oh yeah - i went there!!

O

olympic rings: 0-5 with 5 strike outs. i am going to hell for that last one arent i?

P

pearod: a hard shot back up the middle right at the pitcher. not that feeling you get after you got a little too crazy at your buddy’s bachelor party where it burns every time you piss and it looks like you have sideburns going up the sides of your johnson.

Q

room Q: that spot that thats reserved for me in hell for calling joseph a player where satan cuts out my eyelids, then feeds me a bottle of sleeping pills and forces me to watch the episode of Golden Girls where all the women are talking about their vajay vajays in graphic details and ends with the premiere of their golden girls gone wild video from mardi gras. do you want a gummer?

YOU CANT GO ANY FURTHER WITHOUT WATCHING THIS FIRST!!!!!!

R

ribeye: an RBI. its taken from saying it as a word. developed from ribby to ribeye and now is even called a steak.

S

shoot the cripple: said to a batter when the count is 3-0. it should be a really easy pitch to hit much like shooting…..oh fuck - now that is just wrong!!

T

tater: a homerun. theres nothing funny here. if you wanna laugh watch that golden girls video again and try not to puke.

U

uncle charlie: a curveball, usually a good 12-6 curve ball. it has nothing to do with what happened at your family reunion when your creepy uncle took you out back and told you if you didnt tell anyone about it you could finally sit at the adult table for dinner.

V

ive got nothing for this - i shouldnt have had that last beer.

W

wave: the most ridiculous and most worthless activity that can be done at a baseball game. its my nemesis and sworn enemy. if you are bored enough to do the wave. you can usually find it at wrigley during one of their 95-loss seasons. the only thing worse than the wave at a baseball game is sitting in the section where it begins. some fucking drunk douchebag screaming 1! 2! 3! then pointing to the crowd. I HATE YOU WAVE GUY!!!

X

does anything really start with x?

Y

yacker: a nasty curveball with a lot of break

Z

hell i dont know anything with a Z either - just for making it this far you get this:

I have done no research on this but I have been seeing it on the internet. So if you are interested and live in Chicago I will let you do the research. If you find out it’s bogus. Let me know. While the White Sox vs. Royals may not be on the top of your list at least its free:
US Cellular phone stores are giving away tickets for the Kansas/Sox series for this week:

The following stores will have tickets beginning Tuesday Sept. 25:

- 30 N. LaSalle St., Chicago
- 3019 N. Clark St., Chicago
- 3200 N. Lincoln Ave., Chicago
- 7119 S. Cicero Ave., Chicago
- 800 W. Washington Blvd., Chicago
- 11227 W. Cermak Rd., Westchester, Ill.
- 2365 N. Fransworth Ave., Ste. 115, Aurora, Ill.
- 612 S. State Rt. 59, Naperville, Ill.
- 7500 Broadview Village Sq., Broadview, Ill.
- 9900 Joliet Rd., Countryside, Ill.
- 2340 E. Lincoln Hwy., Ste. 106, New Lenox, Ill.
- 15845 S. Harlem, Orland Park, Ill.
- 6318 W. 95 St., Oak Lawn, Ill.

So if you are looking to go to a game this week, go by or call one of the stores listed to see if they have any tickets left.

in no particular order i am gonna list a bunch of words that have been over used by sports reporters and other talking heads and espn broadcasters. ill explain some and let others speak for themselves. in no way do i think i can list them all - so go ahead and add ones you hate. i will keep updating this as look for more.

1. distraction - no! the patriots wont be distracted because their coach was video taping signals - no! the lakers wont be distracted because kobe said something to the media.

2. tenacity - get a new word. it worked for a while when describing a particular person having something no one else did - but now everyone seems to have tenacity

3. swagger - i actually liked this one and still do some but everybody gets a swagger when they win a bunch of games. its called being cocky. my favorite was lou piniella in a spring training interview talking about the ‘cubby swagger’ - what the hell is that?

4. intangible - this is used mostly when two people are arguing about who is better. so-and-so is better because of the intangibles they bring. its a nice way of saying i just like em better and i have no reason or stats to support it.

5. ‘jacked up’ - how about shut up!

6. bling - this was ‘cool’ in ‘98 it has since run its course i dont need to hear some 40+ year-old dude trying to sound gnarly. do kids still say gnarly?

7. nation - every team has a ‘nation’ - red sox nation, cardinal nation, white sox nation. how bout just calling them fans.

8. back, back, back, back! - i hardly noticed it before berman started doing the home run derby. how horrible is it to have to listen to that over and over again on every swing.

Any Sox fans that disagree with this recently announced move obviously are either too young to remember Terry Bevington and Jerry Manuel or think that one losing season in four is enough to fire a big league manager.

I’m sure Jay ‘The Joke’ Mariotti will write a column blasting this move tomorrow, so I’ll write an answer to that when it comes out.

But as a Sox fan, I would like to say congratulations to Ozzie, and allow me to speak for the sane White Sox fans: We love ya Ozzie, please stick around until you can’t take it anymore. You’re ten times better than any other manager we’ve had in over a decade. And to Kenny: Thanks again. You’ve made another bold move doing what you thought was best for the ChiSox organization. True Sox fans back you, not because we’re drinking White Sox Kool-Aid, but because we’ll take a GM who isn’t afraid to take chances and make moves over someone who stands pat year after year as the team finishes second or third place (Ron Schueler).

Back tomorrow.

This has been a truly disgusting season for my Pale Hose. But, we were due. We won 90 games last year and if not for a very tough division, would have been in the playoffs. 2005 was the best season of my sport fan life. 2000 through 2004 the Sox either won the division (2000) or were in contention until September. The White Sox were one of the four winningest teams in the 90s, and the decade produced one division title and another team which was arguably baseball’s best before a strike ended the 1994 campaign. So again, we were due for a stinker like we got in 2007. (more…)