everythings coming up milhouse

I am somewhat bitter about this week’s games. Mostly because of fantasy football. I’m in five leagues this year, which is about three too many, even for a fantasy geek like me.

In my most important league, I lost to one of the worst teams because Shane Graham kicked seven fucking field goals. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–Marvin Lewis has Graham on his fantasy team, and its starting to piss me off.

In my second most important league, I am fighting for a playoff spot and was virtually tied with the best team in the league going into Sunday night. I had Manning and Addai, he had the SD defense. Easy win, right? No, of course not. Of course the douchbag would throw six picks and Darren Sproles would return two kicks for touchdowns in the first fucking ten minutes.

Here are the games:

Green Bay 34, Minnesota 0–I think its time to start seriously considering Brett Favre for NFL MVP. Tom Brady and Randy Moss are getting all the publicity, but look at what Favre is doing with almost no help from the running game: 67.2 completion percentage, 2757 pass yards, 16 touchdowns, 8 interceptions, passer rating of just over 96. Keep in mind this team is one fluke loss to the Bears away from being undefeated. I think I would vote for Favre as MVP at this point. Meanwhile, Purple Jesus hurt his knee. If its serious, expect fire and brimstone to rain down on Wisconsin.

Jacksonville 28, Tennessee 13–Can we just combine these two teams and call them the Jacksonsee Jagans? They both have shitty quarterbacks, no receivers, a plodding/boring running game, and decent defenses. Both will probably make the playoffs or at least contend until Week 17, and both will do nothing once they make the postseason. Watching the Titans gives me a headache. They’re fucking boring as shit. I’d rather watch the Madden simulation of this game than the actual game.

Denver 27, Kansas City 11–Seriously, does anyone give a shit about the AFC West? Do you realize that if the Raiders had held on yesterday and if Viniateri had hit the field goal at the end of the Chargers-Colts game, Oakland would have been one game out of first? I know thats a combination of ‘ifs’ that didn’t happen, but lord–Oakland’s best offensive player is Justin Fargas. Anyway, the Broncos tie the Chiefs for second place in the division despite getting waxed seven days ago by the fucking Lions. Hooray.

Buffalo 13, Miami 10–The NFL is one pathetic shitbox, I tell ya. This game was 10-2 before Marshawn Lynch scored and then added a two-point conversion to tie it up. A field goal by…..whoever the Bills kicker is won it. Lynch is quietly putting up an outstanding rookie season and is a nearly a lock for AFC Offensive Rookie of the Year. If not for Purple Jesus, Lynch would be getting more publciity. Meanwhile, the Dolphins have a real shot at 0-16. Take a gander at their remaining schedule: at Philadelphia, at Pittsburgh, NY Jets, at Buffalo, Baltimore, at New England, Cincinnati. They should be the underdog in every one of those games, and really only have a decent shot of beating the Jets, Ravens, and maybe Bengals.

St. Louis 37, New Orleans 29–Look out for the Lou! Somewhere, Nelly weeps in relief while Everyones On Steroids pats him on the back. I’m going to make a bold prediction–by Christmas, the Rams will have at least 5 wins. Shit, they way teams in the NFC West play, they could end up 8-8 and win the fucking division.

Pittsburgh 31, Cleveland 28–The Steelers escaped in the game of the day, as ECUM’s adopted team blew a two-minute drill and Phil Dawson came up just short on a 53-yarder which would have tied it. Josh Cribbs cemented himself as the second best return man in football with two sick runs. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is quietly putting up a huge season. He’s having the second best season by a quarterback in the AFC (yes, better than Manning), and was doing so with Santonio Holmes as his number one receiver until last week.

Philadelphia 33, Washington 25–Well, Joe Gibbs is officially senile. Up 22-20 with four minutes left, the Redskins had a third and goal from the Eagle seven. Gibbs decides to run a draw and settle for the field goal, even though his quarterback was having his best game of the season and a touchdown would of cemented the win. The Eagles score two touchdowns in the next two minutes and stay alive–barely–in the NFC playoff picture. Also, this just in–Brian Westbrook is going to step on you en route to eating your brains. What a beast.

Atlanta 20, Carolina 13–Wow. How shitty do you have to be to lose to Atlanta at home? The Panthers are now 0-4 at home, and thats good enough to be one game out of the division lead. This league seriously blows. Also, the first time I have Steve Smith, and he suddenly blows asshole. I think it has to do with the fact the Panthers are starting Earl Morral at quarterback, but still. Oh, and there was an Alge Crumpler sighting.

Cincinnati 21, Baltimore 7–Kids, lets look at this. I want all of our readers (yes, all four of you) to think about Brian Billick and his offensive genius here for a minute. He was hired by the Ravens to take over as head coach before the 1999 season. This was after he was offensive coordinator in Minnesota and the Vikings were the most explosive team of the previous year. (Meanwhile, no one mentioned at the time that this explosiveness was 50 percent ‘Throw a jump ball to that Moss kid’). He goes to Baltimore, and within two years, wins a Super Bowl. But he did it because he had arguably the most dominant defense of the past 30 years. Since 2002, the Ravens have continuously sucked offensively, and now have hit their low point: 14 points and 11 turnovers in a 6-day span. They almost got shutout by the Bengals. The Bengals, man. Here are the scores of the Bengals opponents this year: 20, 51, 24, 34, 27, 31, 24, 33, 7. The two low scores, 20 and 7, are both Baltimore. So now–how shitty of a coach is Brian Billick?

Chicago 17, Oakland 6–Watching this game literally got me sick. I had body aches and headaches, and I just wanted it to be over so that I could go on with my Sunday night. Sexy Rexy got back in there and made it real damn sexy, almost too sexy for his own good. Cedric Benson dominated perhaps the worst run defense in all of football to the tune of 2.7 yards per carry. All in all, this was probably the least enjoyable Bears win I’ve ever experienced. Good times.

Dallas 31, NY Giants 20–And the second annual New York Giants’ second half collapse has begun! Yippee! Can we just cancel the rest of the season and have Dallas and Green Bay play for the NFC Championship and New England and Indianapolis play for the AFC Championship? Oh, here come the Pittsburgh fans: ‘What about us? We can beat those teams! Wah, wah wah!’ Shut up. I hate you.

Arizona 31, Detroit 21–Speaking of second half collapses, it is going to be awesome to see all these experts jump off the Lion bandwagon after calling them a playoff team this past week. Here’s their remaining schedule: NY Giants, Green Bay, at Minnesota, Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay. Sure, they could win 4 or 5 of those games, but its entirely possible they could go 0-7 from here on out. In other news, Kurt Warner proved that God loves him more than Jon Kitna, and after the game he celebrated the win by watching ‘The Passion of the Christ’ while drinking the blood of a thousand Jews.

San Diego 23, Indianapolis 21–You know how shitty of a coach Norv Turner is? His team was at home, playing a HUGE game against a team coming off the biggest game of their season (obvious letdown). His opponent was missing a Hall of Fame receiver, Pro Bowl tight end, and starting left tackle. During the game, his opponent lost their starting right tackle and number one defensive player to injury. The opponent’s signal caller, perhaps the best of all time, threw six fucking interceptions. His team scored 23 points in the first 17 minutes and led 23-0 early. And the only reason Norv didn’t lose is because the best kicker of all time missed a chip shot by an inch. He’s the worst coach in the league, and Joe Gibbs, Brian Billick, Brad Childress, and rest of the shitty coaches fraternity owe him a debt of gratitude for taking the cake, week in and week out.

so apparently earl hickey is rubbing off on the nfl. according to tony kornheiser the steelers are 6-2 because of karma. yes, the very same karma that carson daly taught to mr. hickey has now rubbed off on to ben roethlisberger. kornheiser brought it up several times during monday night football. then in the recaps being aired time and time again on espn today - he is still bringing it up.

so apparently the steelers 8-8 record last season was only a fluke and we didnt hear much about big ben in the offseason because he had made a list and went all over the world with one of his offensive lineman playing the part of randy (we will use faneca) doing good and checking off different things so he could start this season 6-2.

ill let the readers be the judge and jury on this one. could this be true? could kornheiser be an idiot?

#138 on big ben’s list - made fun of carnies

as ben and alan faneca are about to buy some elephant ears and corn dogs - big ben decides they havent done enough good during their offseason to get a playoff berth yet.

Big Ben: Hey Faneca, I can’t enjoy myself at the fair unless I cross something off
Faneca: All right, so take something easy, not the deaf girl that’s gonna take forever

earl randy

big ben alan faneca

stay tuned for season two with bobby petrino and deangelo hall going around atlanta to changer their karma.

who knows it might just work with the writers on strike.

7-7 overall 41 -35last week 9 - 5Bears over Vikings - lostBengals over Chiefs - lostJaguars over Texans - wonBrowns over Dolphins - wonEagles over Jets - wonRavens over Rams - wonTitans over Buccaneers - lostRedskins over Packers - lostCardinals over Panthers - lostPatriots over Cowboys - wonChargers over Raiders - wonSeahawks over Saints - lostGiants over Falcons - won

Yeah, it turns out it wasn’t Rex after all. Who would have thunk it? (Oh, yeah, me).

But I wasn’t the only one that saw past Rex’s horrible passes and into deeper reasons for the Bears offensive ineptitude. The receivers drop passes and outside of Bernard Berrian, don’t get open frequently. The offensive line seems half as effective as they were in 2006, both in the passing game and in the running game.

But the real issue is Cedric Benson. The guy is not an every down, load-bearing back.

Sure, like I said earlier, the offensive line isn’t opening the same holes. But it can’t be doing that much worse than in 2006. And I’m not buying into the idea that many meathead Bears fans believe, that with Thomas Jones the offense would be cruising along. Check Jones’ stats with the Jets. He’s not exactly tearing it up.

But if a guy is going to be a focal point of an offense, a 300-carry, 1200-yard plus running back, shouldn’t he be the a top ten or top fifteen back? I think so. And yet, if the Bears had their choice, I bet there are a ton of running backs in the league they would start ahead of Benson for the remainder of this season.

In fact, lets go with that premise: How many active running backs would I, hardawayhatesyou, rather have as the Bears’ premier back for the remaining twelve games on the schedule?

• Dallas: 2; Marion Barber is a definite and Julius Jones is a strong back who has proven he can be a number one back.
• Philadelphia: 1; Brian Westbrook is an absolute yes–sure he might break down on his first carry, but if he’s healthy he is a beast.
• NY Giants: None; You could make an argument for both Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward, but neither have proven to me that they can be an every-down NFL back.
• Washington: 2; While Clinton Portis has not shown the same burst in DC as he did in Denver, he’s definitely better than Benson. Ladell Betts went over 1000 yards last year and is a strong runner.
• Minnesota: 2; Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor are both better than Benson.
• Detroit: None; Like the Giants, Detroit has two backs–Tatum Bell and Kevin Jones–who one could argue are better than Benson, but I’m not ready to go there. Jones would be a definite yes if I thought he could last more than six games.
• Green Bay: None; Maybe in a year or two Brandon Jackson will be a stud, but I’d take my chances with Benson at this moment. I’ll take their quarterback, though.
• Seattle: 1; Shaun Alexander is a definite yes.
• San Francisco: 1; Frank Gore, despite his recent struggles, is clearly a better option.
• St. Louis: 1; Steven Jackson, see the Gore comments.
• Arizona: 2; Here is where I might lose some people. Edgerrin James is easily better, but I’m also gonna throw Marcel Shipp as a better option than Benson. Shipp had over 800 yards on 188 and 224 carries, respectively, in 2002 and 2003. He also had 103 receptions in his first three seasons. So yes, I’d rather have Marcel Shipp than Cedric Benson. Wow.
• Tampa Bay: 1; And its not Carnell Williams. I’m going to go with Earnest Graham, a guy who is just recently getting a chance. He runs hard and finishes his runs with a fervor I have never seen out of Benson.
• Carolina: None; DeShaun Foster and DeAngelo Williams are the two backs in Carolina, and while both might be better, I wouldn’t necessarily want both ahead of Benson. Foster can impress, but he is really injury-prone.
• New Orleans: 1; Reggie Bush isn’t an every down NFL runner, but I’d take him ahead of Benson. And this number would be 2 if Deuce McAlister hadn’t just blown out his knee.
• Atlanta: 1; Warrick Dunn has proven he can carry the load successfully. Jerious Norwood might pass Benson by the end of the season, as well.
• Indianapolis: 1; Joseph Addai is a monster.
• Tennessee: None; Although Vince Young might be a better running back than anyone on the Bears roster.
• Jacksonville: 2; Maurice Jones-Drew has not played well in 2007, but I saw enough out of him last year to know that he’s better than Benson. And yes, I’m going to say I’d rather go to bat with Fred Taylor. Taylor is about as injury-prone as it gets, but when healthy, he might be one of the ten most talented and hard-working backs in the NFL.
• Houston: None; No, Ahman Green is not better than Cedric Benson. Its close, though.
• Cincinnati: 1; Rudi Johnson, no question, and Kenny Watson–if ever given an opportunity–could prove to be an adequate dual threat out of the backfield.
• Cleveland: None; I am not a Jamal Lewis fan. Unless I can get the 2003 version.
• Baltimore: 1; Willis McGahee is not a picture of health, but he’s clearly a better player than Cedric.
• Pittsburgh: 1; Willie Parker, absolutely. And I’m tempted to add Najeh Davenport here, partly because he is a tough runner and partly because he once took a dump in a girl’s laundry basket.
• New England: 1; I love Laurence Maroney, although he seems pretty injury-prone. Sammy Morris may be a solid back, but I’m not ready to say he’s a better option than Benson.
• Miami: 1; Ronnie Brown’s resurgence this year has me flabbergasted.
• NY Jets: None; This is interesting. I have to divulge that I agreed with the decision the Bears made in trading Jones and allowing Benson to be the number one guy. Jones, while hard-working and a leader, isn’t fast and doesn’t break enough tackles to be considered a better option than Benson.
• Buffalo: 1; Marshawn Lynch has already proven to be what Benson should be, and he’s only been in the league for a month. Damn.
• San Diego: 2; I’m not even going to argue about one of these; and yes, I think Michael Turner, while having never had more than 25 carries in an NFL game, has shown enough that I would want him to be the Bears running back in the last twelve games of the season.
• Denver: 1; Travis Henry is better, although its hard to tell how good Bronco backs are because almost everyone can rush for 1200 yards there.
• Kansas City: 1; LJ is better, no question.
• Oakland: None; I’ll believe the Lamont Jordan renassiance when he carries the load for a full season with either sucking or blowing out a knee. Although I like the idea of Justin Fargas, Huggy Bear’s son, being an NFL star.

So there you have it. A total of 28 running backs in the league are better options than Cedric Benson. Six teams have two backs on their current roster who I would rather see taking the bulk of Bear carries for the remainder of 2007. And only nine squads have the same issues at running back as Chicago does. Of those nine teams, only Detroit, Green Bay, and Tennessee have winning records. Detroit won’t have one by the end of the year; the Packers and Titans have superhuman quarterbacks to even things out.

So there ya go. The answer is not actually Brian Griese, or someone else behind center; its the guy behind the guy.

Half of the coaches and players in the NFL are fucking retards. Yeah, half. And I can prove it. Here’s a recap of some of the dumb fucking shit NFL coaches pulled yesterday during Week 4 action.

Norv Turner, San Diego–Lets start off with one that no one can argue with. This fuckin mope has taken last year’s 14-2 Charger squad and transformed them into a 1-3 shithouse seemingly overnight. But it can’t be all Norv’s fault, right? The Chargers have faced some tough competition, and yesterday’s loss to the Chiefs was just a matter of a underrated KC group having a great day, correct? Fuck no, thats not correct. During the first half, LaDanian Tomlinson had 16 carries for 116 yards and a touchdown, and the Chargers led 16-6 at the break. San Diego’s defense is cruising. All you gotta do is step on the Chiefs’ throat and feed LT the rock. He’s getting 7 yards a touch, for Christ’s sake. Let him take you home.

No, this fucking ignoramus gives LT the ball a grand total of 4 times in the second half. With a ten point lead, at home. Yeah, and by the way Norv, your fucking number one wide receiver is Vincent Jackson. Its not like you’re playing with the 99 Rams here, slappy. No, Norv thinks its smart to go ahead and run 20 pass plays and 8 running plays in the second half; Philip Rivers has three second half turnovers and the Chargers are outscored 24-0 en route to a 30-16 loss.

Norv, next time you have a ten point lead at home against a horrible offensive opponent, go ahead and give LT the ball 15-plus times in the third and fourth quarters. He’ll carry you to a nice easy win, you dumbass.

Brad Childress, Minnesota–This fucking douchebag isn’t as much to blame for his team’s loss as Norv since the Vikings were trailing at the half, so you would think they had to throw more than run. But the Vikings’ lone offensive weapon is Adrian Peterson. Peterson had 10 carries for over 100 yards in the first half. At the half, the Pack led a close game 10-6. So there was no need to abondon the run. Peterson managed two second half carries, as Childress thought it would be more effective to throw over 20 times. With Kelly Holcomb.

Its not like Peterson didn’t get his touches. I mean, why not have your star rookie running back who has struggled with injuries throughout his stellar career return kickoffs? Are you fucking kidding me? No, we don’t want to hand it to him in the running game; can’t overwork the youngster. But what…..throw him at the goalline and let him run full-speed into 11 Packers focused on getting a 60-yard head start and killing him? Yeah, lets do that. What a fucking dolt.

Coaches weren’t the only ones to look like idiots Sunday.

Chris McAlister, Baltimore–Its not often that a player can be directly responsible for his team giving up 10 points. First, McAlister, for some reason, just stopped covering Braylon Edwards on an 78 yard touchdown pass. It was obvious man coverage, but McAlister suddenly broke in as if expecting a square-in route. Edwards blew right by him for a long score. Then, later in the game, McAlister jumped offsides on a field goal attempt. The Browns missed the kick, but with the 5 yards gained on the offsides, they picked up a first down and eventually nailed a 3-pointer with the new life. Cleveland 17, Baltimore 13, McAlister 10 (which he decided to give to the Browns).

Chad Pennington, NY Jets–You look at Pennington’s line, and you’d think he couldn’t possibly be a goat. He completed 32 of 39 passes for 290 yards and a touchdown. But Chad had two atrocious interceptions. The first came with the Bills leading 10-7 and the Jets on the move. Pennington threw an out pattern which hung in the air for a week and was intercepted by Jabari Greer. But the Jets perservered and came back to within three, and had the ball on the Buffalo 40 with 12 seconds remaining. Pennington then inexplicably threw a psuedo-fade on the right sideline into double coverage, and the ball was easily intercepted by Terrence McGee. The two awful throws basically handed the Bills their first win. Eric Mangini was beaten by Dick Jauron, proving the theory that the sun does indeed shine on a dog’s ass once in a while.

I could also goat-icize the Bears defense, Brian Griese, the Eagles offensive line, or the Rams coaching staff (for playing Marc Bulger with broken ribs in a no-win situation), but I lack the energy to talk about the Bears. Or the Eagles. Or the Rams. They all suck, and this blog should not waste anymore space to their insipid bullshit.

Week 4
I have decided to add a line or two for each game as to why I think that will be the result. Unfortunately I went 8-8 last week and my overall record is 27 - 21

Houston @ Atlanta
Houston ~ Luckily for Houston when their some of their top players are dinged up they get to go to Atlanta. Unlike many of the surprise teams this season, the Falcons are just as bad as advertised. LOSS
Baltimore @ Cleveland
Baltimore ~ This one is actually harder for me to pick than it should be. I like the Ravens because Winslow is questionable and they are still the Browns. LOSS
Oakland @ Miami
Miami ~ Daunte Culpepper goes back to Miami and shows the team they did at least one thing right this offseason. Don’t look for a lot of scoring here but the Fins will score a couple more points. LOSS
Chicago @ Detroit
Detroit ~ Nathan Vasher, Lance Briggs, Tommie Harris, Adam Archuleta, etc… The injury bug is biting the Chicago Bears like it normally does to a runner up in the Super Bowl. Replacing Grossman will lead to 7 more points but the depleted defense gives up quite a few too. WIN
New York Jets @ Buffalo
Jets ~ I gave Buffalo the crown of shit for a reason damn it. LOSS
Green Bay @ Minnesota
Green Bay ~ Did you hear this weird bit of trivia….Brett Favre has thrown 420 touchdown passes in 240 games to tie Dan Marino who retired after 240 games. Creepy, eh? Other than that Minnesota sucks and Green Bay is quickly becoming the Number 2 team in the NFC WIN
St. Louis @ Dallas
Dallas ~ This game is gonna be a simple one for Dallas as long as Romo and T.O. stay on the same page, Jones and Barber keep running the ball well and Witten can run for a few more – oh what am I saying!! If only one of these players has a good day they can beat the Rams. WIN
Seattle @ San Francisco
San Francisco ~ This game would be easier for the niners if Davis was playing but I think the home field advantage and Frank Gore will be enough to start tilting the NFC West in their favor for the season. LOSS
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Carolina ~ If DelHomme doesn’t start this game could be really boring but all Carr has to do is keep the ball out of the Buc’s defenses hands and they should win. I still don’t believe this early hype about Tampa Bay. LOSS
Kansas City @ San Diego
San Diego ~ A steady diet of L.T. on the ground and in the air should be enough to beat the Chiefs this week. It should also keep him quiet on the sidelines for a little while. Note to San Diego – KEEP LT HAPPY AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY TOO! LOSS

Denver @ Indianapolis
Indianapolis ~ I really wanna pick Denver but I just cant. Indianapolis is just better and they are playing at home. Hell it wont even be close. Go Colts! WIN
Pittsburgh @ Arizona
Pittsburgh ~ Hey Arizona – do you know what has never worked in the NFL? Two quarterbacks!! You aren’t on to something revolutionary here. Just start Warner if you wanna chance to win this year. LOSS
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
Philadelphia ~ Eagle Nation has gotten its swagger back and they are looking for that bling! The Giants will not be able to play through the distractions or the tenacity of the Eagles and they will get Jacked Up! LOSS
New England @ Cincinnati
New England ~ What a great MNF game this week!! Both teams are really good. The Patriot defense will not allow the Bengals to win. The only question is whether the Patriots will score exactly 38 points for the 4th week in a row. I SAY THEY WILL!