everythings coming up milhouse

Well, I am now 1-9 picking winners against the spread in the 2007-2008 NFL Playoffs. That’s tough to do. I am really on a roll.

Lets break down these bad mamma-jammas from Sunday.

New England 21, San Diego 12–You know, I really have to question LaDainian Tomlinson’s heart right now. If it turns out he has a torn ACL or something, I’ll back off. But all week he’s said he was 90 percent, ready to play, all that stuff. Then he gets to the biggest game of his career, gets two carries and a reception, then goes to the sidelines, wraps himself in a coat, and sits his ass on the bench for 3 hours. Maybe I shouldn’t question LT’s lack of toughness; I’m sure he would have played if able. But maybe it is right to target his leadership. I understand being devastated that you can’t play after believing you would, but why just sit on the bench all day? Why not be up and encouraging your team? I don’t think it would of made a difference in the outcome, but it just looks really bad.

Well, it wasn’t how I thought it would turn out, but the Patriots found a way to win–again. The Chargers definitely had their opportunites–3 possessions inside the New England 10 yard line produce 9 points. (LT would of looked great in the red zone, wouldn’t he?). They intercepted Brady 3 times. But it wasn’t enough. You have to hand it to Laurence Maroney–he could of very easily pouted and been a bitch about not being a big part of the offense during most of the regular season. But he has been a monster down the stretch and in the playoffs and has provided a needed boost while Randy Moss has been mostly focused on and shut out.

So, congratulations to the Patriots for going 18-0…….the first time this has ever been accomplished. I mean, at this point, 17-0 looks fucking worthless. Who cares about 17-0 now? Its a shame, because the 72 Dolphins have really been a class act the last 35 years. They really never wanted the spotlight, and never asked for recognition for beating a bunch of teams who didn’t make the playoffs. I really have missed Mercury Morris the last few weeks. I can only pray that ex-felon douchebag is in the hospital with open sores on his anus from his years of being pounded in the ass by dudes names Rock while serving his term for cocaine possession. “Call me when you’re on my block, and I’ll be there waiting on my bride.” Mercury, sounds like you’re overcompensating for being ‘the bride’ in your past. Open the door, asshat. Tom Brady’s on the other side, and he’s getting his dick sucked by Bridget Moynahan and Gisele Bundchen at the same time WHILE waiting for you. You and your team of overrated fossils are done, son! You’re done.

(I don’t like the 72 Dolphins.)

NY Giants 23, Green Bay 20–As a Bears fan, you would think I was ecstatic about the hated Packers losing. I wasn’t. While I was cautious that the hype would be unbearable, I was really looking forward to Brady-Favre in two weeks. It would of been fun.

Unfortunately, two things that have been lingering regarding Green Bay popped up yesterday and they killed the Packers. First of all, Mike McCarthy is not that good of a coach. I found it strange that this guy was considered the coach of the year by many, and probably would have won the award had the Pats not gone 16-0. Meanwhile, he totally blew the first game against the Bears with horrible time management and play calling. The second game of the year for the Packers, against San Diego, featured McCarthy calling a shotgun/5-wide receiver formation on a 4th and goal from the 1 foot line; obviously, I found that curious. But after the regular season and Seattle game were over, I figured those were isolated incidents and McCarthy was really the 2nd best coach in the league this year. But he’s not. The Packers game plan was atrocious yesterday. Ryan Grant got 13 carries. I know he didn’t run well, gaining only 29 yards. But you have to give him a chance to establish himself. He had 6 carries in the second half and overtime. McCarthy panicked and decided it was going to be all-Favre, all the time. And that led to…..

…old Favre. In my preview for the game I wrote that the only the reappearance of Old Favre would beat the Packers. Well, he showed up. And the reason that he showed up was because the Packers never established the run. The first three quarters or so, Favre looked decent. But from the point that he threw that bomb into triple coverage, I knew the Packers were cooked. Later he ran around like a nutcase, throwing across his body and getting intercepted by R.W. McQuarters, only to get the ball back because R-Dub was holding the ball like Britney holds a baby. Through the rest of the game, Brett was taking chances he shouldn’t have and throwing bad passes, including the one which eventually set up the winning score.

Again, big ups to Eli. I wrote about it last week, but I am really happy for Elisha. He will be partying it up this week at the 24th annual ‘Go Fuck Yourself, Haters’ golf and fishing trip. Regular attendees will include other thought-to-be-shitty quarterbacks who made the Super Bowl, including Grossman, Trent Dilfer, Stan Humphries, Chris Chandler, Jake Delhomme, Kerry Collins, Tony Eason, Jeff Hostetler, and the trip’s founder, David Woodley.

What an exciting week of playoff action. Lets get right to the games.

Green Bay 42, Seattle 20–What was I thinking last week when I wrote “On the field, I like the Packers’ defense to do enough to win the game. However, I like the Seahawks to cover the spread”? I don’t know. I mean, the Packers defense DID do enough to win the game. But I didn’t count on how horribly overrated the Seattle defense was. If you think about it, they looked good against a pretty bad Redskins offense. Yes, throughout the season, they applied a lot of pressure. But look at the stats. The Seahawks were actually 15th overall in the league during the regular season. They gave up over 18 points per game (not terrible, but by no means dominant). And they were only 12th in the league against the run. And what can you say about Ryan Grant? A lot of young guys would have folded up shop after fumbling twice in the first 5 minutes of your first playoff start, leading to a 14-0 deficit. But he ran wild, going for 201 yards and three scores. Great work by him and the Packers’ offensive line.

Then there was number 4. Its well-documented that I have a sixth sense for knowing when certain things have run their course. For example, in this season’s 2007 NFC North preview, I wrote this about the Green Bay Packers:

Brett Fav-ruh needs to go away. Listen, I like him. He’s a great quarterback, perhaps the best of all-time. But he’s holding this franchise back. If he has retired two years ago, the Packers would already know if Aaron Rodgers has what it takes to lead this team and would of either built around him or gone in another direction. Now, Favre and his 20 interceptions a year come back for a 17th NFL season. (Notice that no one talks about how Favre is a really unpredictable guy behind center who is holding his team back, even though he had a lower passer rating and more interceptions last year than Grossman).

See! I always know when its good to quit on things. I am also well-known for other statements, including:

• “This whole Internet craze will die down.” (July 17, 1996)
• “Britney Spears really has a good head on her shoulders. I think she’s got what it takes to have a long, respectable career.” (September 1, 2000)
• “The reason pornography will never catch on is that people love to use their imaginations while masturbating.” (May 20, 1981)
• “An underrated vacation destination: Hiroshima. Mark my words.” (August 5, 1945)

And so on. My apologies to Mr. Favre.

New England 31, Jacksonville 20–So, at this point, what will Tom Brady have to do to top himself in these last two games? Go 35-for-35 in the AFC Championship while simultaneously playing cornerback, then going 40-for-40 in the Super Bowl with 40 receptions? (Yes, he would just throw it to himself). I don’t know. But the guy just went 26-for-28, and the two incompletions were a drop by Wes Welker and a pass that went off Ben Watson’s hands which arguably could have been pass interference. The Jaguar offense played a fantastic game, and still lost by 11.

I’m relatively proud of myself concerning the Patriots. I knew really early on that this team wasn’t like the rest of the teams that threatened to go undefeated in previous years. And lets face it…..as much as I misjudged Philip Rivers and the Chargers, there is no fucking way that Norv’s Crew are going into Foxboro and winning the AFC Championship. Unless Brady dies this week. Thats the only way.

San Diego 28, Indianapolis 24–What a terrific performance by the Colts vaunted defense. Man, that Defensive Player of the Year Bob Sanders really dominated an LT-less team! And Philip Rivers sure was under constant pressure from the tough Indy front.

Really, I know it has been said ad nauseum, but how the fuck do the Colts lose that game? I know Michael Turner and Darren Sproles are nice little players, and Billy Volek is not much of a dropoff from the biggest douchebag in the league, Philip Rivers, but seriously……stop them once. Thats all you have to do. Also, this Antonio Cromartie…..holy christ. I know he’s hardly a new story–he had ten picks and an 109-yard missed field goal return this year. But I really don’t see how he isn’t the best defensive playmaker in the league. Name a defensive player that makes more plays. Do it. Name one. Hurry up. Also, the Chargers are now 14-of-25 on third down in the playoffs. 14 out of 25! Thats 56 percent! And this is without Antonio Gates for most of this time. How is this happening? How are Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers just running free on every play?

But these fucking Chargers……seriously, has there been a bigger group of douchebags ever assembled on a football field? Probably. But why does Rivers get into a shouting match with fans or refs or opposing players every fucking week? And don’t hate me, but doesn’t LaDainian Tomlinson seem like a little bitch to everyone? I mean, maybe its just that he hates Rivers, and if that is true, then I apologize. But it seems to me that LT is a bit of a prima donna. Also, can Shawne Merriman not be an asswipe for one game? Has he forgotten that we all know he’s a steroid abuser? Or that he got his ass wiped out by Maurice Jones-Drew earlier this year? Why would anyone do a sack dance when he did one yesterday: after Peyton Manning falls on his own after a broken play, Merriman comes over, taps him (so he technically gets a sack), and then he does his ‘Lights Out’ dance? What a loser. And Shaun Phillips? Great player, tremendous douchebag. I hope the Patriots beat them 63-3 next week.

NY Giants 21, Dallas 17–How demoralizing is it when you fight for a 20-play, 95-yard drive which takes over ten minutes, finally scoring a touchdown and taking a lead, and then seeing Eli Manning carve up your defense on a 46-second scoring drive to end the half and tie the game? Pretty demoralizing, apparently. I’m really happy for Eli Manning, and I think part of it is because I am a Rex Grossman supporter. They are kind of kindred spirits, or brothers-in-arms. Both are heavily criticized, sometimes unfairly, and are treated as if they are the only quarterbacks who have bad games. (Announcers saying that someone has a ‘Rex Grossman-like performance’ or that a particualr throw is ‘Eli-esque’ is my biggest announcing pet peeve). But here Eli is, one game away from a Super Bowl, without his Pro Bowl tight end and in a season where the loss of Tiki Barber was supposed to derail the New York offense.

Kudos to the Dallas coaches to realize now that Marion Barber is three times better than Julius Jones. Since they started him in the playoff game, that must mean they know he’s better than Jones and deserving of 20+ carries a game, right? So why wait until now to do it? Also, I’m not even going to comment on this whole Romo thing, except to say that if I was told by my head coach to get away from football for a weekend to relax, and I had a chance to ‘relax’ with this……..

……lets just say I would be ‘relaxing’ ALL OVER HER. God bless you, Tony Romo.

Minnesota 34, Chicago 31–Best performance by an opposing player I’ve ever seen. Purple Jesus went off. 224 yards rushing and 3 scores, and he added a 55 yard kick return to set up Ryan Longwell’s game winning 55 yard field goal at the gun. The time when us Bears fans could rely on the defense to make plays and keep us in games no matter what is over, and the tackling of the secondary–especially Daneal Manning and Brandon McGowan–was absolutely dreadful for the second straight week. On the bright side, Devin Hester continued his dominance with an 89-yard punt return and a 81-yard touchdown reception with just over two minutes left. There have been better Bears, but Hester is by far the most exciting player to wear the uniform in my lifetime. People talk about the great Gale Sayers, and while Sayers was a better overall football player, I can’t imagine that he’s more exciting that Hester.

Cleveland 41, Miami 31–Derek Anderson is the truth, son! This situation reminds me of the Bengals a few years ago. Remember, they drafted Carson Palmer but decided to let Jon Kitna start that first year? And Kitna responded with a huge season? Well, Anderson is Jon Kitna and Brady Quinn is Carson Palmer. Anyway, the Browns seem to really have something on the offensive side of the ball, with Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow becoming Pro Bowl-level targets in the passing game. For the Fish, Cleo Lemon threw for 256 yards and 2 scores but it wasn’t enough as Miami fell to 0-6.

Green Bay 17, Washington 14–So I click on ESPN.com to read the box score for this game, and the Web site provides a link with one line which summarizes the game. For example, the Bears-Vikings game was something along the lines of ‘Peterson explodes as Vikings upset Bears.’ Well, the link for this game is ‘Favre leads Green Bay to 5-1.’ So what did Brett Favre do, you ask? 19-for-37, 188 yards, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions. The winning touchdown was scored by the Packer defense, a 57 yard fumble return by Charles Woodson. This is a perfect example of why non-Packer fans are fucking sick of the Favre love. He played a shitty game, the defense made a huge play to win an important game, and the media lazily puts up ‘Favre leads Green Bay to 5-1.’ Give me a fucking break.

Kansas City 27, Cincinnati 20–Apparently the Cheifs aren’t that shitty. Either that, or the Bengals are really bad. It could be both. The 2007 Heartless Pig Award might go to the Bengals defense, which week after week gets torched. Larry Johnson, previously left for dead after 5 horrid weeks, had 119 yards and a score and ensured that his fantasy owners will now keep him in the lineup for the rest of the year, thinking he is back. Marvin Lewis should go ahead and sell his home and scour for defensive coordinator positions, cuz this ship has sailed.

Philadelphia 16, NY Jets 9–Hey, Mangenious…..any time you want to get Chad Pennington the fuck out of there, Jets fans will appreciate it. The New Yorkers got 130 yards from Thomas Jones and still couldn’t score a touchdown. Meanwhile, Kevin Curtis and Wes Welker are battling for the title of Best White Receiver of the Year. Previous winners include Steve Largent, Don Beebe, and Tom Waddle.

Tampa Bay 13, Tennessee 10–I’ll tell you kids something–look at Jeff Garcia’s numbers for this season. 1188 yards passing with a 66.7 completion percentage. % touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 103.6 passer rating. Tony Romo is getting all the publicity, but Garcia is the best quarterback in the NFC right now. He might not be a fantasy superstar, but he’s getting the job done very effectively for a team which will probably win its division. If you’re Dallas or Green Bay, do you want to play the Bucs in the divisional round of the playoffs, with Garcia running around like a jackass, throwing off balance and that defense playing like it is? I wouldn’t. Meanwhile, the Titans truly suck, and if Vince Young is ever injured seriously, they’ll lose about 75 percent of their games.

Jacksonville 37, Houston 17–Wasn’t it cool at the beginning of the year, when the Texans were 2-0 and everyone was talking about them being the sleeper of 2007? Yeah, not so much. The Texans can’t stop the run, and when you’re playing Jacksonville, that’s not good. 244 yards rushing, not good. David Garrard is doing in the AFC what Jeff Garcia is in the NFC: quietly putting together a stellar, if unspectacular, season. 1069 yards passing, 66.2 completions percentage, 6 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 104.7 rating. Meanwhile, Byron Leftwich really likes the new chicken fries from Burger King.

Baltimore 22, St. Louis 3–Lordy, are the Rams horrid. Every week, I write something small about the Ram game because I want to leave the true dissection of the team to our resident Rams fan, everyones on steroids. But it doesn’t seem as if he’s very interested in this garbage. So I’m gonna lay something out for the kids in the Lou: sit Bulger and Jackson for the rest of the season. Why bring them back now? So they can play hurt and the Rams can finish 5-11, 4-12? Please. Sit em, play some kids, finish one or two games worse than that, and get a top 5 pick. As for the Ravens, they are really boring and I hate writing about them. They had 5 interceptions on defense, and I’m guessing Willis McGahee did something.

Carolina 25, Arizona 10–Elway. Montana. Unitas. Marino. Favre. Manning. Brady. Make room, gentlemen. Vinny’s back. Testaverde blew the fuck up against the Cardinals, throwing for 206 yards and a score to lead the Panthers to a big victory on the road. It would be really awesome if Vinny was the starter for the rest of the year. Why not? What, Carolina should be anxious to throw David Carr back in there? Please, he blows. On the other side, Tim Rattay rallied the Cardinals after Kurt Warner hyperextended his elbow. Rallied them to 159 yards and 3 interceptions. After the game, Rattay looked at the stat sheet, saw he got monster-fucked by a 44 year old dude who wasn’t even in the league last week, and hung himself.

New England 48, Dallas 27–I didn’t even know these two teams were playing this week. You would think that two 5-0 teams matching up would of had more of a build up. Anyway, the Patriots will probably go 16-0 if they stay healthy. Since the Pats and Cowboys will probably represent their conferences in the Super Bowl, we already know that New England will blow out the Cowboys in February. So, on October 15, the season is over. Fuck you, Dreamboat.

San Diego 28, Oakland 14–LT got the ball. He ran for 200 yards and 4 touchdowns. Wow. Look what happens when you give the best player the fucking ball. Thanks Norv; you owe me 500 dollars. (Suicide pool pot that I lost when picking SD a few weeks back).

New Orleans 28, Seattle 17–This was one of the worst coached games I have ever seen. Mike Holmgren should be fired after this season. The Seahawk playcalling was horrible. In the 4th quarter, here are some of the calls Holgren made: 4th and 3, called timeout and then ran a draw–with the fullback–and gained 1 yard; team scored to make it 28-17, kicked an onsides kick with over 7 minutes left in the game–kick failed; with under 2 minutes left, facing a 4th and 9 on the Saints’ 20, decided to go for it instead of kicking the field goal to cut it to 8 and then trying an onsides kick. You need 3 anyway, Mike…..why not get it now instead of trying a 4th and 9? Fucking moron. Go comb your walrus mustache.

The New York Giants have the number one defense in the NFL.

Brian Griese is worse than Rex Grossman.

Willie Randolph needs to be fired.

The Arizona Diamondbacks will win the World Series and no one will know the names of any of the players except Eric Byrnes.

In 224 games Tony Romo will beat Brett Favre’s Touchdown record.

The St. Louis Rams will go 0 - 16

Every team in the NFL should platoon quarterbacks and win like the Arizona Cardinals.

Hope Solo will never play for Team USA again.

The Cleveland Browns have a top 10 offense in the NFL.

Half of the Top 10 teams in College Football are horrible.

Devin Hester will never have another ball kicked to him.

Donovan McNabb put on the cleats made out of cement before week 4.

Trent Edwards is the real deal.

Joey Harrington is playing like a Duck again and that’s a good thing.

Week 4
I have decided to add a line or two for each game as to why I think that will be the result. Unfortunately I went 8-8 last week and my overall record is 27 - 21

Houston @ Atlanta
Houston ~ Luckily for Houston when their some of their top players are dinged up they get to go to Atlanta. Unlike many of the surprise teams this season, the Falcons are just as bad as advertised. LOSS
Baltimore @ Cleveland
Baltimore ~ This one is actually harder for me to pick than it should be. I like the Ravens because Winslow is questionable and they are still the Browns. LOSS
Oakland @ Miami
Miami ~ Daunte Culpepper goes back to Miami and shows the team they did at least one thing right this offseason. Don’t look for a lot of scoring here but the Fins will score a couple more points. LOSS
Chicago @ Detroit
Detroit ~ Nathan Vasher, Lance Briggs, Tommie Harris, Adam Archuleta, etc… The injury bug is biting the Chicago Bears like it normally does to a runner up in the Super Bowl. Replacing Grossman will lead to 7 more points but the depleted defense gives up quite a few too. WIN
New York Jets @ Buffalo
Jets ~ I gave Buffalo the crown of shit for a reason damn it. LOSS
Green Bay @ Minnesota
Green Bay ~ Did you hear this weird bit of trivia….Brett Favre has thrown 420 touchdown passes in 240 games to tie Dan Marino who retired after 240 games. Creepy, eh? Other than that Minnesota sucks and Green Bay is quickly becoming the Number 2 team in the NFC WIN
St. Louis @ Dallas
Dallas ~ This game is gonna be a simple one for Dallas as long as Romo and T.O. stay on the same page, Jones and Barber keep running the ball well and Witten can run for a few more – oh what am I saying!! If only one of these players has a good day they can beat the Rams. WIN
Seattle @ San Francisco
San Francisco ~ This game would be easier for the niners if Davis was playing but I think the home field advantage and Frank Gore will be enough to start tilting the NFC West in their favor for the season. LOSS
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Carolina ~ If DelHomme doesn’t start this game could be really boring but all Carr has to do is keep the ball out of the Buc’s defenses hands and they should win. I still don’t believe this early hype about Tampa Bay. LOSS
Kansas City @ San Diego
San Diego ~ A steady diet of L.T. on the ground and in the air should be enough to beat the Chiefs this week. It should also keep him quiet on the sidelines for a little while. Note to San Diego – KEEP LT HAPPY AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY TOO! LOSS

Denver @ Indianapolis
Indianapolis ~ I really wanna pick Denver but I just cant. Indianapolis is just better and they are playing at home. Hell it wont even be close. Go Colts! WIN
Pittsburgh @ Arizona
Pittsburgh ~ Hey Arizona – do you know what has never worked in the NFL? Two quarterbacks!! You aren’t on to something revolutionary here. Just start Warner if you wanna chance to win this year. LOSS
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
Philadelphia ~ Eagle Nation has gotten its swagger back and they are looking for that bling! The Giants will not be able to play through the distractions or the tenacity of the Eagles and they will get Jacked Up! LOSS
New England @ Cincinnati
New England ~ What a great MNF game this week!! Both teams are really good. The Patriot defense will not allow the Bengals to win. The only question is whether the Patriots will score exactly 38 points for the 4th week in a row. I SAY THEY WILL!

Green Bay 31, San Diego 24–Brett Favre is playing like he’s ten years younger and the Packers are off to a 3-0 start. Down 21-17 with under five minutes left, the Packers drove down the field, setting up a 4th-and-inches from just outside the goal line. For some reason, they spread it out to a 5-receiver shotugn formation, and Favre’s pass was incomplete. But Brett took the Packers’ coaching staff off the hook with a great final two minutes, throwing a perfect slant to Greg Jennings which he took the distance to give the Pack the lead. Nick Barnett then picked off a pass on the ensuing Charger possession and returned it inside the San Diego five to set up the clinching score by Brandon Jackson. With the superb play of Favre and a tough defense, the Packers have proven themselves the team to beat in the NFC North so far.

Kansas City 13, Minnesota 10–I really don’t have much to say about this game. Adrian Peterson looks like the real deal. But until the Vikes get a passing game, they’re not going to score a lot of points. On the other side, Dwayne Bowe has been impressive in his first few NFL games, and he caught a game-winning touchdown pass with under ten minutes remaining.

New England 38, Buffalo 7–The Patriots continue their early dominance and Dick Jauron inches closer to unemployment. Randy Moss has five touchdowns in three games, and the Patriot defense, playing without standout safety Rodney Harrison, looks outstanding. Its very early, and a lot of things can happnen, but at this point New England is easily the best team in football.

NY Jets 31, Miami 28–A matchup of 0-2 teams netted a pretty high-scoring game, as the Jets held on to beat the fish. The score made it look closer than it actually was, as New York led 31-13 with 9 minutes left. The Dolphins outgained the Jets 424 to 259, but a Leon Washington 98 yard kick return was key to the New York win. Trent Green (318 yards) and Ronnie Brown (211 total yards, 3 TD) led Miami, but the inability to stop the Jets running game killed any chance for a road victory.

Philadelphia 56, Detroit 21–Racists everywhere ridiculed Donovan McNabb after this game for not scoring 60 points. In reality, McNabb threw for 381 yards–322 to Kevin Curtis and Brian