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as i get fully into baseball mode with the playoffs. i realize how much i love this game. even though my team is not in the postseason this year i still love watching every game. there are so many things about the game that i love but here are some of my favorite plays and the best baseball jargon rarely heard by broadcasters. they are listed here and i am gonna try and do one from A-Z. i have given the definitions not because i think you are as dumb as abc for making a show about some cavemen from an insurance commercial but for reference.
A
asprin: a fastball thats harder to hit than that hot chick wearing that tiny white dress and obviously minuscule piece of dental floss for underwear going up her nice bubble of an ass that the whole bar can see at happy hour. fuckin tease!
B
butcher boy: you wont see this much in the american league. its when the batter fakes the bunt only to pull back and take a quick swing trying to dump the pitch over the infield reacting to the bunt. usually only seen with a pitcher or a shitty hitter like jason kendall.
C
cornucopia: originally this was just texas rangers’ annoucer bill land making an ass of himself when he was calling an easily caught fly ball. what he meant to say was ‘can of corn’ like chicago white sox announcer hawk harrelson commonly says. it has since taken on a life of its own and means the same.
D
duck fart: a soft liner over the infielders head. much like how the feathers on donald duck’s ass would muffle or soften any wind passing by. it was changed by the ACLU to ‘duck snort’ in a class action law suit in the historic case of daisy duck vs. the s.b.d. also called a ‘hump back liner’
E
evil empire: the yankees - i know its not a good one but i need a reason to show this ridiculous picture of roger clemons and his shirt open looking like mr. buzzcut the p.e. teacher from beavis and butthead
F
five and dive: everyone reading this has one of these on their favorite team. its some weak ass pitcher that can only go five innings and that it. see also: kip wells. hell i take that back - that p.o.s. couldnt even make it that long without giving up 8 runs.
G
golden sombrero: 0-4 with four strike outs. kinda like a golden shower without that visit from r. kelly.
H
high cheese: you all know what this is - its just fun to say especially when you say it all nasally like high cheeeeezzzzeeee! think about vince vaughn in old school.
I
infield fly rule: yeah we have all heard of it but does it really exist? its kinda like a hot chick that cooks, cleans and swallows.
J
judy: a hitter that doesnt get much behind their hits. sally works fine or saying either ‘hit it with your purse’ or ‘his skirt got in the way’
K
keystone sack: its second base. like the keystone in the arch which is the piece that fits right in the middle or craig ‘keystone’ monroe.
L
LOOGY: Lefty One Out Guy - a left handed specialist usually used to get one or two batters out.
M
match sticks: successive innings where a 1 is put up on the board.
N
no room at the inn: bases are loaded and no where to put the player. kinda like the feeling joseph had when trying to get a place to stay in bethleham. oh yeah - i went there!!
O
olympic rings: 0-5 with 5 strike outs. i am going to hell for that last one arent i?
P
pearod: a hard shot back up the middle right at the pitcher. not that feeling you get after you got a little too crazy at your buddy’s bachelor party where it burns every time you piss and it looks like you have sideburns going up the sides of your johnson.
Q
room Q: that spot that thats reserved for me in hell for calling joseph a player where satan cuts out my eyelids, then feeds me a bottle of sleeping pills and forces me to watch the episode of Golden Girls where all the women are talking about their vajay vajays in graphic details and ends with the premiere of their golden girls gone wild video from mardi gras. do you want a gummer?
YOU CANT GO ANY FURTHER WITHOUT WATCHING THIS FIRST!!!!!!
R
ribeye: an RBI. its taken from saying it as a word. developed from ribby to ribeye and now is even called a steak.
S
shoot the cripple: said to a batter when the count is 3-0. it should be a really easy pitch to hit much like shooting…..oh fuck - now that is just wrong!!
T
tater: a homerun. theres nothing funny here. if you wanna laugh watch that golden girls video again and try not to puke.
U
uncle charlie: a curveball, usually a good 12-6 curve ball. it has nothing to do with what happened at your family reunion when your creepy uncle took you out back and told you if you didnt tell anyone about it you could finally sit at the adult table for dinner.
V
ive got nothing for this - i shouldnt have had that last beer.
W
wave: the most ridiculous and most worthless activity that can be done at a baseball game. its my nemesis and sworn enemy. if you are bored enough to do the wave. you can usually find it at wrigley during one of their 95-loss seasons. the only thing worse than the wave at a baseball game is sitting in the section where it begins. some fucking drunk douchebag screaming 1! 2! 3! then pointing to the crowd. I HATE YOU WAVE GUY!!!
X
does anything really start with x?
Y
yacker: a nasty curveball with a lot of break
Z
hell i dont know anything with a Z either - just for making it this far you get this:
