everythings coming up milhouse

People slave over a hot stove every year to compile preseason top 20s in both college basketball and football. In the end, what do these lists matter? Sure, they help determine the eventual champion, especially in football. (I mean, if you’re not in the top 10 at the beginning of the year in football, you’re not going to win the title. Even if you go 12-0.) But in the grand scheme of things, half the teams ranked in these lists end up sucking. And teams not even thought of as a contender end up killing it and becoming a strong contender.

So lets stop with the top 20s for college sports. Lists are for expressing opinion and allowing blog writers like myself to get a maximum number of hits while shelling out minimal work. Add hot women and pictures to this list? GOLD, JERRY……GOLD.

So, in that vain, I have compiled the Top 20 Hotties of 2008. This list is based solely on my opinion. Also, you have to be relatively relevant; I’m sure some girl you saw while watching a Lifetime movie with your girl is hotter than Jessica Alba….shit, the girl in my office that sits kitty korner from me is ridiculously hot, and if she was famous, might be on this list. Unfortunately, no one knows her name. And there are no pictures of her on the interwebs. Believe me……I checked.

20) Halle Berry–Pregnant, and over 40, but still smoking hot. Anyone without Halle in their top 20 is a racist. There. I said it. It needed to be said.

19) Megan Fox–Let me say that Ms. Fox might be Top-3 worthy if she didn’t have so many stupid ass tattoos.

1 Mayra Veronica–I don’t know what Mayra does. She’s Spanish. Or Brazilian. Or something weird. But my oh my.

 17) Anne Hathaway–She was number 8 on my list in August, and while I’m sure she hasn’t lost any hotness in 5 months, when you expand the list to 20, one notices some girls that need some recognition. So by no fault of her own, Anne drops to 17.

16) Eva Mendes–I like Eva, but this is for my guy who has been begging for love for his number one.

15) Keeley Hazell–There are a ton of UK busty beauties, but Keeley gets the nod because she has a prettier face and a sex tape.

14) Aishwarya Rai–I’ve been aware of Ash (thats what I call her), but I never gave her full props. Yes, props. Its 1996.

13) Sofia Vergara–See the latest ‘Friday Hot Chicks’.

 12) Lindsay Lohan–Oh Lindsay. You keep fighting it. I see you with other guys. Yes, all of them. Settle down already. Or release a sex tape. One of the two.

11) Kim Kardashian–As you can see, I am a fan of those ladies who feel that a bunch of strangers watching them have sex isn’t a big deal. Nice pull Reggie Bush. Enjoy your herpes. Anyhoo…..she’s a slut, but she’s unbelievably hot. I don’t care what you think of me.

10) Gabrielle Union–Am I late to the Gabrielle party? I don’t give a shit.

9) Jessica Alba–Jessica has gone from my number one to somewhere around 3 to number 9 now. The reason? She’s getting too damn skinny. There aren’t many spinners on my list. So, my hope for 2008 is that Jessica’s pregnancy packs on a few permanent pounds on her.

8. Rosario Dawson–Rosario might be a top 3 candidate if she didn’t fuck around with her hair. I swear, sometimes she looks like Chuck Klosterman up in this mother fucker.

7) Roselyn Sanchez–Yes, Neil…..she’s hotter than Eva.

6) Marisa Miller–I mean…..I have no words. At this point in the countdown, if you’re really doubting the top-ten worthiness of a Marisa Miller, I want you to slit your own throat. If you don’t want to die, donate your penis to science or someone who will use it.

5) Christina Aguilera–X-Tina will always be my favorite skank. Sure, she’s respectable, married, and about to pop out a kid. She’ll always be durty to me.

4) Stacy Keibler–Legs. Ass. Blond. If she had a smidgen of talent, she might be president.

3) Jessica Biel–Lately, I’ve noticed that last year’s number two has been looking a little too buff. But the thing about Jessica is, she’s looked smoking hot–undeniably–for about ten years. She was cutesy hot on 7th Heaven–not that I ever saw that show. Then she did that Gear magazine shoot and was REALLY hot in ‘Rules of Attraction’ with Dawson and his creek. And now she look like……this.

2) Diora Baird–They’re real. End of story.

1) Scarlett Johannsen–Did you really wonder who it was going to be? ScarJo has EVERYTHING I love…..nice lips, sexy voice, curves, and what seems to be a bit of a personality. Anyone who says she’s not hot is wrong. No, beauty is not subjective. If you don’t think Scarlett is hot, theres something wrong with you.

Lacey Chabert, the hottest cast member of ‘Mean Girls’. And ‘Party of Five’ (even though she wasn’t hot when she was on the show, she certainly has passed Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt by.)

• All of these pictures are going to be cutesy/sexy.
• I think its because she’s religious or something.
• She must know God personally if He gave her all this.
• Lacey is of age, right?
• Here is one with the other members of the ‘Mean Girls’ cast. Is it possible Rachel McAdams is the least hot one of the four? Yes, it is.

Is it also possible that of the four girls mentioned above, only one is anywhere near my age?

Hey guys….there’s a new gal in my office that looks exactly like a dark haired Erin Andrews. Seriously. Its really exciting.

(*–your definition of ‘exciting’ may differ from mine, because I am a married dude who hasn’t had any strange since 2003.)

Anyway, she’s not the hot chick of the day. This week’s Friday Hot Chick, in honor of the greatest sporting event ever played–this week’s Pats-Colts game, is Gisele Bundchen.

• Move your hands
• Brady’s probably already sick of fucking this
• I guess you’re supposed to wear this when you go shopping?
• What a horrible pair of legs
• And here she is kind of naked

I joke about wanting Brady’s knees to explode. I actually want them to go undefeated so that the 72 Dolphins will die in anonymity. Fucking jerkoffs cheering on the sideline on 12/2/85. Lucky ass Dan Marino. Who bounces a touchdown pass off someone’s helmet? Honestly?

Enjoy the Brazilian hottie.

So my brother gave me a few requests for today’s hot chick. They were hot, but as the big brother, I give him the same answer I’ve been giving him since 1980:

Go fuck yourself.

Anyway, this week’s Friday hot chick is one that is near and dear to my penis heart. Stacy Keibler, show ‘em what they’ve won……IT’S A RAGING HARD-ON!

• One
• Two
• Three
• Four
• Five

Every time I see this picture, I want to slap someone in the face because of Stacy’s hotness.

Vida Guerra. And her ass.

1. The shot that made her famous.
2. This one is good.
3. I want her on her hands and knees.
4. Oh, these are NSFW by the way.
5. She’s really just Latina, with fake boobs and a huge ass. I guess thats enough.
6. Thanks you, Jebus.

Esquire magazine named Charlize Theron the sexiest woman alive this month. No offense to Charlize; she’s way hot. And I realize the point of these ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ things is to spark conversation and sell magazines. And usually I agree with Esquire (last year was Scarlett; the year before was Jessica Biel, I believe).

I have already ran down my top ten, which you can find somewhere on this blog. (If you haven’t read it and want to read it, go look for it, fools). But this entry serves two purposes: to update the site and to give Sarah Shahi the pub she richly deserves.

Is she the hottest chick alive. I don’t know. But I recently was reminded how hot she was, so I wanted to provide some links of Sarah. So here’s a Wednesday sampling of Sarah Shahi:

• Link 1
• Link 2
• Link 3
• Link 4
• Link 5

I could go on all day. Thank you for being so hot, Sarah.

PS–Sarah was on the ‘L Word’ show, so if you go to youtube I’m pretty sure you can find video of her in sex scenes with chicks. So you got that going for you. Which is nice.

as i get fully into baseball mode with the playoffs. i realize how much i love this game. even though my team is not in the postseason this year i still love watching every game. there are so many things about the game that i love but here are some of my favorite plays and the best baseball jargon rarely heard by broadcasters. they are listed here and i am gonna try and do one from A-Z. i have given the definitions not because i think you are as dumb as abc for making a show about some cavemen from an insurance commercial but for reference.

A

asprin: a fastball thats harder to hit than that hot chick wearing that tiny white dress and obviously minuscule piece of dental floss for underwear going up her nice bubble of an ass that the whole bar can see at happy hour. fuckin tease!

B

butcher boy: you wont see this much in the american league. its when the batter fakes the bunt only to pull back and take a quick swing trying to dump the pitch over the infield reacting to the bunt. usually only seen with a pitcher or a shitty hitter like jason kendall.

C

cornucopia: originally this was just texas rangers’ annoucer bill land making an ass of himself when he was calling an easily caught fly ball. what he meant to say was ‘can of corn’ like chicago white sox announcer hawk harrelson commonly says. it has since taken on a life of its own and means the same.

D

duck fart: a soft liner over the infielders head. much like how the feathers on donald duck’s ass would muffle or soften any wind passing by. it was changed by the ACLU to ‘duck snort’ in a class action law suit in the historic case of daisy duck vs. the s.b.d. also called a ‘hump back liner’

E

evil empire: the yankees - i know its not a good one but i need a reason to show this ridiculous picture of roger clemons and his shirt open looking like mr. buzzcut the p.e. teacher from beavis and butthead

F

five and dive: everyone reading this has one of these on their favorite team. its some weak ass pitcher that can only go five innings and that it. see also: kip wells. hell i take that back - that p.o.s. couldnt even make it that long without giving up 8 runs.

G

golden sombrero: 0-4 with four strike outs. kinda like a golden shower without that visit from r. kelly.

H

high cheese: you all know what this is - its just fun to say especially when you say it all nasally like high cheeeeezzzzeeee! think about vince vaughn in old school.

I

infield fly rule: yeah we have all heard of it but does it really exist? its kinda like a hot chick that cooks, cleans and swallows.

J

judy: a hitter that doesnt get much behind their hits. sally works fine or saying either ‘hit it with your purse’ or ‘his skirt got in the way’

K

keystone sack: its second base. like the keystone in the arch which is the piece that fits right in the middle or craig ‘keystone’ monroe.

L

LOOGY: Lefty One Out Guy - a left handed specialist usually used to get one or two batters out.

M

match sticks: successive innings where a 1 is put up on the board.

N

no room at the inn: bases are loaded and no where to put the player. kinda like the feeling joseph had when trying to get a place to stay in bethleham. oh yeah - i went there!!

O

olympic rings: 0-5 with 5 strike outs. i am going to hell for that last one arent i?

P

pearod: a hard shot back up the middle right at the pitcher. not that feeling you get after you got a little too crazy at your buddy’s bachelor party where it burns every time you piss and it looks like you have sideburns going up the sides of your johnson.

Q

room Q: that spot that thats reserved for me in hell for calling joseph a player where satan cuts out my eyelids, then feeds me a bottle of sleeping pills and forces me to watch the episode of Golden Girls where all the women are talking about their vajay vajays in graphic details and ends with the premiere of their golden girls gone wild video from mardi gras. do you want a gummer?

YOU CANT GO ANY FURTHER WITHOUT WATCHING THIS FIRST!!!!!!

R

ribeye: an RBI. its taken from saying it as a word. developed from ribby to ribeye and now is even called a steak.

S

shoot the cripple: said to a batter when the count is 3-0. it should be a really easy pitch to hit much like shooting…..oh fuck - now that is just wrong!!

T

tater: a homerun. theres nothing funny here. if you wanna laugh watch that golden girls video again and try not to puke.

U

uncle charlie: a curveball, usually a good 12-6 curve ball. it has nothing to do with what happened at your family reunion when your creepy uncle took you out back and told you if you didnt tell anyone about it you could finally sit at the adult table for dinner.

V

ive got nothing for this - i shouldnt have had that last beer.

W

wave: the most ridiculous and most worthless activity that can be done at a baseball game. its my nemesis and sworn enemy. if you are bored enough to do the wave. you can usually find it at wrigley during one of their 95-loss seasons. the only thing worse than the wave at a baseball game is sitting in the section where it begins. some fucking drunk douchebag screaming 1! 2! 3! then pointing to the crowd. I HATE YOU WAVE GUY!!!

X

does anything really start with x?

Y

yacker: a nasty curveball with a lot of break

Z

hell i dont know anything with a Z either - just for making it this far you get this:

Christina Aguilera. Because of this. And this. This is nice too. So are these. Holy shit. OK, that’s enough.

i am a little less shocked about the rick ankiel hgh story than i figured i would be. the truth is i suspect everyone these days. hell, my screenname is ‘everyoneisonsteroids’

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so i was called out by hardawayhatesyou because i think kirsten dunst is hot. well i am not gonna sit here and try to justify that. i just do - ok! well he also wanted me to come up with my own list of sexy women. while, he did a good job with his list - i decided to be more specific with mine and do the sexiest women in sports. i know you will disagree but hey this is my list - not yours! lemme know who i left off and if you got a better order i wanna hear it.

10. Misty May and Kerry Walsh

Yup! I am starting this list with a duo! I loved watching them in the Athens Olympics. I am pretty sure they won the gold medal. But shortly after this photo was taken i forgot my name for a good ten minutes.

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