everythings coming up milhouse

as i get fully into baseball mode with the playoffs. i realize how much i love this game. even though my team is not in the postseason this year i still love watching every game. there are so many things about the game that i love but here are some of my favorite plays and the best baseball jargon rarely heard by broadcasters. they are listed here and i am gonna try and do one from A-Z. i have given the definitions not because i think you are as dumb as abc for making a show about some cavemen from an insurance commercial but for reference.

A

asprin: a fastball thats harder to hit than that hot chick wearing that tiny white dress and obviously minuscule piece of dental floss for underwear going up her nice bubble of an ass that the whole bar can see at happy hour. fuckin tease!

B

butcher boy: you wont see this much in the american league. its when the batter fakes the bunt only to pull back and take a quick swing trying to dump the pitch over the infield reacting to the bunt. usually only seen with a pitcher or a shitty hitter like jason kendall.

C

cornucopia: originally this was just texas rangers’ annoucer bill land making an ass of himself when he was calling an easily caught fly ball. what he meant to say was ‘can of corn’ like chicago white sox announcer hawk harrelson commonly says. it has since taken on a life of its own and means the same.

D

duck fart: a soft liner over the infielders head. much like how the feathers on donald duck’s ass would muffle or soften any wind passing by. it was changed by the ACLU to ‘duck snort’ in a class action law suit in the historic case of daisy duck vs. the s.b.d. also called a ‘hump back liner’

E

evil empire: the yankees - i know its not a good one but i need a reason to show this ridiculous picture of roger clemons and his shirt open looking like mr. buzzcut the p.e. teacher from beavis and butthead

F

five and dive: everyone reading this has one of these on their favorite team. its some weak ass pitcher that can only go five innings and that it. see also: kip wells. hell i take that back - that p.o.s. couldnt even make it that long without giving up 8 runs.

G

golden sombrero: 0-4 with four strike outs. kinda like a golden shower without that visit from r. kelly.

H

high cheese: you all know what this is - its just fun to say especially when you say it all nasally like high cheeeeezzzzeeee! think about vince vaughn in old school.

I

infield fly rule: yeah we have all heard of it but does it really exist? its kinda like a hot chick that cooks, cleans and swallows.

J

judy: a hitter that doesnt get much behind their hits. sally works fine or saying either ‘hit it with your purse’ or ‘his skirt got in the way’

K

keystone sack: its second base. like the keystone in the arch which is the piece that fits right in the middle or craig ‘keystone’ monroe.

L

LOOGY: Lefty One Out Guy - a left handed specialist usually used to get one or two batters out.

M

match sticks: successive innings where a 1 is put up on the board.

N

no room at the inn: bases are loaded and no where to put the player. kinda like the feeling joseph had when trying to get a place to stay in bethleham. oh yeah - i went there!!

O

olympic rings: 0-5 with 5 strike outs. i am going to hell for that last one arent i?

P

pearod: a hard shot back up the middle right at the pitcher. not that feeling you get after you got a little too crazy at your buddy’s bachelor party where it burns every time you piss and it looks like you have sideburns going up the sides of your johnson.

Q

room Q: that spot that thats reserved for me in hell for calling joseph a player where satan cuts out my eyelids, then feeds me a bottle of sleeping pills and forces me to watch the episode of Golden Girls where all the women are talking about their vajay vajays in graphic details and ends with the premiere of their golden girls gone wild video from mardi gras. do you want a gummer?

YOU CANT GO ANY FURTHER WITHOUT WATCHING THIS FIRST!!!!!!

R

ribeye: an RBI. its taken from saying it as a word. developed from ribby to ribeye and now is even called a steak.

S

shoot the cripple: said to a batter when the count is 3-0. it should be a really easy pitch to hit much like shooting…..oh fuck - now that is just wrong!!

T

tater: a homerun. theres nothing funny here. if you wanna laugh watch that golden girls video again and try not to puke.

U

uncle charlie: a curveball, usually a good 12-6 curve ball. it has nothing to do with what happened at your family reunion when your creepy uncle took you out back and told you if you didnt tell anyone about it you could finally sit at the adult table for dinner.

V

ive got nothing for this - i shouldnt have had that last beer.

W

wave: the most ridiculous and most worthless activity that can be done at a baseball game. its my nemesis and sworn enemy. if you are bored enough to do the wave. you can usually find it at wrigley during one of their 95-loss seasons. the only thing worse than the wave at a baseball game is sitting in the section where it begins. some fucking drunk douchebag screaming 1! 2! 3! then pointing to the crowd. I HATE YOU WAVE GUY!!!

X

does anything really start with x?

Y

yacker: a nasty curveball with a lot of break

Z

hell i dont know anything with a Z either - just for making it this far you get this:

Oh, what excitement. The 2007 postseason is upon us, and for the White Sox and Cardinal fans who write this site, it really couldn’t be better than to see the Cubs in the postseason. Outside of watching our teams battle for (another) title, the next best thing is to see how in the world the Cubs will choke this year.

Ah, I’m just playing, Cub fans. I won’t be cheering against you; in fact, I would love to actually see what would happen in this city if the Cubs won. Would the city implode? Mass orgies on Waveland? Dogs and cats living together? Who knows.

But will it happen? Can the Cubs overcome the hilariously exciting and ridiculous National League playoffs? Here’s a breakdown of the four first round series, complete with predictions that are sure to…….be not right. (Ha! I’m original!):

Cubs vs. Diamondbacks: It seems to me that this series could be decided by the end of Game 1. If the Cubbies can find a way to beat Brandon Webb, the D-Backs don’t have much of a chance to get back to Arizona for a chance to win the series in 5. They surely won’t win three in a row if they lose Game 1. After Webb, Doug Davis, Livan Hernandez and Micah Owings figure to face Ted Lilly, Rich Hill and Zambrano on the turn around. Those are ugly matchups for the D-Backs. I see Webb pulling off a close win in Game 1 over Zambrano, maybe a 2-1 type score. I then see the Cubs rattling off three straight, clinching the series in 4 with a weekend win at Wrigley, even if Arizona brings Webb back to start an elimination game. Cubs 3 games to 1.

Phillies vs. Rockies: Did you guys watch the Rockies-Padres game last night? Did you see the fat douchebag who had his little rat dog sitting on his lap behind home plate? How do you get a dog in the park? Why bring a dog? How does anyone who would bring a dog to a baseball game get seats in the first row behind the plate? It totally flabbergasted me throughout the game. Anyway, all signs point to the Phillies dominating this series. They can match the Rockies’ offensive output, and they have far superior starting pitching. The Rockies are the hottest team in baseball, but the Phils might be a close second. There is really nothing that shows me that the Phillies should lose more than one game in this series. That’s why I’m picking Colorado. What I saw last night was something I haven’t seen out of any other team in these playoffs, at least to this point: baseball magic. Down 2 runs in the 13th against Trevor Hoffman? Double, double, triple, walk, sac fly, we win. Wow. Look for Matt Holliday to show all casual fans that he is rightful winner of the 2007 NL MVP in a close race over the Phillies’ Jimmy Rollins. Rockies 3 games to 2.

Red Sox vs. Angels: As much as I like the idea that the Angels are playing ‘National League baseball’ in the American League, I just don’t see how they match up in any way with Boston. Unless John Lackey can beat Josh Beckett twice in this series, the Halos don’t stand a chance. Vlad Guerrero’s October collapses will continue, and the Red Sox will cruise to an easy sweep of Anaheim (not LA Angels of Anaheim, that shits dumb). Red Sox 3 games to none.

New York vs. Cleveland: As an AL Central guy, I thought in March that the Indians were the team to beat in the division, and they proved me right. But they did it a bit differently than I thought. While Travis Hafner didn’t have his usual scary offensive season, Fausto Carmona came out of nowhere and gave the Tribe an awesome 1-2 punch in the rotation. Meanwhile, while everyone decided the Yankees were done in June, I warned fellow fans that the Yankees do this shit every year: they suck for like 2 or 3 months, then Torre and the boys make the necessary roster adjustments, their lineup gets hot and they make the playoffs. Since I’ve been right about these teams all year, believe me when I say that the Indians will beat the Yankees. The Yankees are the sexier pick, and the media will hope and plead for a Red Sox-Yanks ALCS. But even the New York lineup won’t beat Carmona and Sabathia 3 times in 4 starts. Indians 3 games to 1.

So there it is. Cubs-Rockies and Red Sox-Indians. So be sure to look for Diamondbacks-Phillies and Angels-Yankees.

• The Cubs will probably clinch their division this weekend. As a White Sox fan, this has been a pretty shitty year, but I still don’t wish any ill will towards the Cubs. Some of their fans do bother me, but as a whole, I think they should get to see their team win a title before they die. As a lifelong Chicagoan, it would be pretty cool to see what would happen around here if the Cubs won. I have a feeling it would be like when the Bears won the Super Bowl, multiplied by about 100. I think part of the reason it wouldn’t bother me as much is because of 2005. Its almost as if we, as Sox supporters, won the race. The Sox won the title first, and no matter what, nothing can take that away. But that doesn’t mean a possible title should be any less special for their fans; it just means a Cubs title before 2005 would be sickening to most Sox fans. Now, it would be fun to see. However, unlike last year’s Cardinals, I don’t see any way this Cubs team wins three playoff series and the championship.

I’ve never felt worse for a pro athlete than I do for Rex Grossman. He has been absolutely killed by fans and media. I wonder if he almost is glad he’s not the starter anymore. The best thing for him would be to sit on the sideline for the rest of the year, sign a free agent contract with someone next year, and start over with a clean slate. As a Rex backer, I had to admit while watching the Chiefs game that the time had come to make a move. Unfortunately, a quarterback change might not be enough to overcome a banged-up defense, pourous offensive line, and drop-happy receivers.

• I’ve been playing Madden 08 a lot lately. (Only about four people will relate to what I am about to write about, but I don’t care). When I play, I just play on franchise mode. For those who aren’t familiar, franchise mode is when you guide a team through season after season. Well, I have to play on the highest level, All-Madden. If I play on any other level, its way too easy. The problem is that the All-Madden level, in its efforts to make the game difficult, ruins all realism. For example, in 95 percent of the games you play against the computer, they make things happen to make the game close. I was playing the AFC Championship a week or so ago, and although I dominated the game thouroughly, I lost because the opposing team brought back 3 interceptions and 2 kicks for touchdowns. I lost 38-35. I mean, come on. A few days ago, I was playing the Rams and video Torry Holt caught a 5-yard pass over the middle, trucked 3 linebackers and linemen, and outran my entire defense for an 80-yard score. Look, I respect Torry Holt, but he’s not running over people. That kind of stuff happens all the time. These are games where the computer refuses to let you win, no matter what. Those games, which Bill Simmons calls the ‘No Freakin Way’ games, are when ridiculous things happen throughout the game (like 5 returns for TDs) so that you cannot have an undefeated season (which is a near impossibility on All-Madden mode). For instance, I was playing some team a little while ago and I had a two-point conversion to tie the game with like 30 seconds left. I called a play, but the computer defense had it scoped out perfectly. So I called an audible, making the tight end run an out route. He was wide open in the end zone to tie the game. Drops it. And you laugh, but why play the game if the computer is going to dramatically alter things just to make games close, ya know? At some point, no matter how good you are, it doesn’t matter because the computer is going to cheat you. Fuck him.

Last night, the Cubs and the Cincinnati Reds battled in Wrigley Field for the second game of a series in mid-September. The Cubs led the second place Milwaukee Brewers by one game, while the Reds were battling through another subpar season in fourth place.

The Cubs put Carlos Zambrano on the hill, their ace and a man who just signed a five year, $91 million contract. Zambrano also recently went through a slump of sorts, and in his most recent start at Wrigley, he was booed by the home crowd after a sub standard performance. After this, he went off on the fans to the press, saying (among other things) that the fans should be behind him no matter what.

Zambrano needed a good start. Not just for himself, but for his team. The Cubs need to win every game. That’s not realistic, but every game counts. And if you are truly the ace of the Cubs staff and worthy of over 18 million dollars a year, you have to beat the Reds at home during the stretch drive.

So what did Big Z do, after calling out the fans? Just after signing an 18 million dollar a year deal? In the middle of a very tight pennant race? He went 5 and a third innings. He gave up 4 runs. He left the game with his team losing 4-2, and it took another great Carlos Marmol outing–stranding two baserunners Zambrano left–to keep the score there.

So Zambrano got pulled early in the sixth. As he walked off the mound, what did the Cubs fans do? They cheered him. In fact, some of them gave him a STANDING OVATION.

This is your ace. You are in the middle of a division race. The team you are battling in the race won, so a loss by the Cubs ties them with the Brew Crew for the division lead with 10 games to go. The guy pitching for you, against a fourth place team by the way, just signed 90 MILLION DOLLAR contract extension. He replies by giving you just over five innings and allows four runs.

And you give him a near standing ovation.

Cubs fans, you got punked by a player. If Zambrano didnt complain about the booing in his last home start, you would of booed him last night. You allowed a player, someone who is making 90 MILLION DOLLARS OVER THE NEXT FIVE YEARS, to not only pitch another horrid game during a crucial time but then alter the way you feel about the game. Get a spine, people.

You deserve better than this. You’ve waited almost 100 years for a world title. How much did you pay for your ticket last night? 50 dollars? 75 dollars? Part of the price of your ticket goes to player salaries. So basically, you’re paying Carlos Zambrano to do a shitty job and then tell you to not boo him.

I’m not saying you should throw crap on the field or shoot him with a bow and arrow. But show your displeasure. Its your right as a fan. I understand Cubs fans are known as being very supportive of their team, but what happened last night isnt supportive–its enabling. You are already being supportive by filling the park for every game over the past decade. You don’t have to accept mediocrity, especially from a guy who is making more money than you will ever see in your lifetime.

Let me ask you this, Cub fans–if Zambrano hadn’t said anything after his last start, would you had been this supportive last night? The answer is probably no. And if that is the case, you got punked. Plain and simple. I’m not trying to rile you up. You might say, ‘Hey, you’re a White Sox fan, thats why you’re writing this.’ Listen, if the same thing happened with my team, I’d be even more upset. I would hope that White Sox fans expect more from their players and wouldn’t be intimidated by some multi-millionaire.

If you were at the game last night and you cheered Zambrano when he left the game, you are whats wrong with Cub Nation. Deal with it. You give real Cubs fans a bad name.